Despotism
by Kisaragi Yuu
Summary: A war between inner mind and outer lie in a certain German's head. Non - yaoi (can you believe that? ^^) Angsty! Yuh I know, I sucks in description...


Warnings

Warnings: Angst, angst and angst! Kya ha ha~!!! *laughs evilly* 

Spoilers: None (I think) 

Note: Schu POV! 

Disclaimer: Weiß Kreuz casts don't belong to me. Nuff said^^ 

Hmm, from all of my fics, I think this is the only one that didn't make sense. Nevermind that (-_-;) What I want from the readers on this Schu fic (especially the ones who don't like Schu that much…) is to try to see him more. That he's not just some jerk who likes to play on people's mind (well at least that's what I think). Just hope you like it as much as I do, because even if this fic make no sense, but I love fics that make people think. And also I like art so much (wait, that has nothing to do with this… -_-;) I am not a Schu-hater either, eventhough he can be such a cruel at times but what I feel about him is pure sadness. I don't know why, but I think that way… ok enough babbling around. Move to the fic. Don't forget to comment onegai? ^_^

Despotism

Kisaragi Yuu 

_This kind of life that fills you in _

_With all false gratification and silent cries _

_Putting all the blaspheme to a Higher Power _

_And only can run and hide behind an invisible concealment _

_ __ _

_Dreaming to be loved_

_ _

_Always be. _

_ _

_For eternity. _

I opened my eyes in the dark. Sweating cold sweats and making my white pillow, without any black spot, drenched in something liquid, maybe my sweats, tears, or blood... I don't know, just liquid. Sinful liquid. I brushed my bangs out of my forehead. 

I looked at the clock, it was 3 AM in the morning. Why am I dreaming those things again? I thought I got over it. In that dream, I didn't see anything or feel any feeling, just black, pure black. Like it's swallowing me from behind. 

And those words, about me wanting so desperately to be loved, were written all over the blackness with thick red paint. As thick and as red as blood. 

Farfarello would be so happy to see my dream. 

Brad wouldn't care. 

And Nagi would never understand this... 

...Insanity. 

I smiled at my own tease. With no knowledge why I smiled, and chose not to know either, I kept smiling. I am the mind reader who loves to see people suffer because of wrack minds. I really enjoy the time in wracking one's mind up, their fear tastes like sweet candies. Yes I am the guilty one. Schuldich, Schuldig, Schulderich... whatever the hell it is they call me but still, I'm Schuld. Guilt. 

But what's this feeling of tiredness? 

Putting away my mind that started to go away from my control, I looked out from the window just upper side from my wet bed. The moon shone her grace at me, without even noticing how guilty I am. She gave her grace for free to all the people in the world without knowing, or may I say, without cares who are those people she gave her grace onto. Sinful or sinless. 

What's the use? 

Changed my position in my bed, I looked away from the grace of the moon and chose to try to sleep. But failed miserably. Gave up in trying to get some sleep, I sensed someone touched me from the back. When I turned my eyes to 'her' calmly, all I saw is the moon again. 

She looked at me. I looked at her. Her grace was like telling me that she felt pity for me. And I don't like it a least bit. 

Go bother other sinner, moon. The only one that going to feel uneasy because of your pity are the sinners that feel guilty because of the sins they committed, but you can't bother me, because I don't feel like a sinner. I know that I'm sinful, but knowing and feeling sinful are two different things. 

Smiled a wicked smile at the moon, I looked away from her again, ignoring the thousands of grace she sent to me. Closing my eyelids, I chose to be swallowed again the darkness. 

*** 

"Schuldich. Wake up." 

I heard someone called to me. A familiar voice. A very familiar voice. But I don't care, I don't want to wake up, or more specifically, can't wake up. My backbones are trembling like hell. I felt this sudden ease to stay in the bed and kept on seeing blood. At least it's not half as how the world can be so cruel. 

"Schuldich, we have a mission to take care. I know you listened to me all this time along. Don't act like such a baby and get your lazy ass out of the bed. Nagi and Farfarello are all set up in the meeting room." 

After gave me his order, he walked out from my room saying nothing. Do I hate being ordered. God knows the hell lot that Brad gave orders to his teammates like he gave orders to some cheap whores. Say this you do this, say that you do that, say nothing you do nothing. Hell. And I don't even want to know why Nagi and Farfarello can cope up with him. 

Jerk. Bunch of jerks. Especially Bradley Crawford, the most jerk among the jerks. 

Funny I can't hate him that much. Because I know that he's just doing his job. He wants us to be loyal and don't go cheating on him so we would never get a trouble with some certain Takatori. So I will not been beaten again by stick golf or Farfarello being abandoned in his straight jacket. 

And I think I must thank him for that. 

But of course my pride don't allow me to do some 'thank you' giving, so I will not say it. But I think I will thank him by coming out from this bloody bed now. 

…And go with the damned mission. 

*** 

A shot. 

Blood. Pain. Scream. Death. 

If I am an average normal man, I would run or faint now, but since I'm not, and too far away from becoming an innocent man, all I can do is enjoying and tasting the fear in this man. 

Funny I don't feel as much as fun when I first tasted fright. No, maybe I never enjoy it, but... what the hell, sometimes you just have to accept things that way. No matter you like it or not, but _pretending_ to enjoy things can leave you unhurt. 

At least, that's what my sick mind thinks. 

But still, my sins couldn't be detracted anymore. Just too much of bloody sins. Some the ones that I willingly done and some the ones that I forcefully done. 

And it really doesn't really matter. 

Who cares anyway? 

Tasting the last fright of this man, I smirked my own way smirk and went back to our golden cage, eventhough that it's made of silver and gold but still a cage. And I prefer myself being locked and forgotten in the cage. 

No one loves me. And I don't need one. 

Maybe a night with the solemn moon might cheer me up today, this is so just unlike me. 

*** 

Undressing myself, I walked into my slumber. The pure white bed with no stain that's going to be stained soon enough by me. Frowning onto the moon, I rested my head on the pillow, leg tugging out from the bed. 

She's giving me her grace again. 

Why? I just killed a man—again today. Now he must be in Heaven or Hell, be happy or be damned forever for all I care. Why are you looking at me like that? Why I felt all senses in me are telling me that you felt pity for me? I shouldn't make people feel pity on me. Not even you. Nor everybody else. 

Bathing me in her grace, she didn't tell any answer to me. Or maybe she did but there are thousands of questions that she could provide, so she chose not to tell me. Yeah. Maybe that's it. 

Starting to feel comfortable with just that, I closed my eyes... 

*** 

_So you feel nice and warm in this eternal lugubrious situation? _

_Don't you feel sorry for yourself? _

_ _

_To be loved. _

_ _

_It's just one of your reveries, one of your egoist wishes _

_Nevertheless, a reverie is a reverie, not more and not less _

_It's a dream _

_A dream that you never want to wake up from _

I don't need to be loved... or loving someone... I've had enough. Love only make you suffer, make you weak. Revenge and despotism are what make you strong. And I learnt my lesson too well. 

_Your heart is fraught of lucid despondency _

_And yet none of men's tears spilled out from your jade orbs _

_While your heart is being tortured by devastation _

_But a smile that full of lies is the one that rise to your burning lips_

_To be loved... _

I'm nothing. Pure blank emptiness. There's nothing inside me. Only guilt. Nothing else. 

I'm running in this patch of never ending sorrow, with tears on my eyes and grief on my lips. Nothing to hold on and no one to care. There's no light in my darkened sky, there's no angel in my devil's heart. 

Forever running, forever searching. Although I know that I will never find it, but there's always a glimpse of hope in my bleeding heart. A hope that thinner than a shred of thread. But nonetheless, still a hope. 

Until the day where I'll be freed from all of these sorrows and eternal sin... 

All I can do now is run, running wildly with a mask of smile glued on my face, remain unrevealed. I wished I could scream, just so anybody who care enough to look back, come to me and shove his hand to me. But then again, a wish is a wish. While a dream is a dream. Not more and not less. An egoist side of humanity left in me. 

To be loved. 

-Owari- 


End file.
